Lost, looking for the forest, amongst the trees

"You cannot see the wood for the trees." (This is the original epigram that has been reinterpreted into "you cannot see the forest for the trees". John Heywood)  It means that you are so immersed in the details of a situation that you can not see the issue as a whole.

Before I owned my franchised business I worked as a consultant for the franchiser.  It was my job to, either in person or from afar, help franchisees solve problems.  I would listen to their issues, ask questions, seek expert opinions, apply my own knowledge and give them a possible solution to their problem.

As a business owner this process proved a little more difficult.  I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  The immediate obstacles in front of me (the trees) were obvious.  Employees, sales, money, customers, etc.  What I sometimes couldn't see was the core matter (the forest) that was causing the obstacle.

Example:  Early on we were in a cycle of strong sales, then a lapse, then strong sales again, followed by another lapse ... it was a bit maddening.  I was doing a lot of everything in the store because we could "not afford" to hire someone to help us out.  One day, in the midst of another 70 - 80 hour week, Julie said to me, "you can't keep up at this pace ... if you were still at your old job, what would you tell a franchisee in your position?"  This stopped me in my tracks, made me step out of myself and really look at what was going on.  I realized I used to see this situation ALL the time with store owners.  The answer ... suck it up, hire someone and you will more than pay for them with the time created to focus more on sales and customer service. 

I couldn't see the forest.

My new tree?  Zane.

A brief list of his offenses:

• Colored with permanent marker on his face, hands, legs and feet  (Also on Zoe's hands).  Kicked the bunk bed ladder until it detached from the bed.  
• Had to be removed from two separate restaurants for making a scene.  
• Kicked Zadie in the head. (almost positive that it was purposeful)  
• Stained our futon cover by coloring it with a dry erase marker.  
• Through countless fits.  
• Did not once get in his car seat the first time he was told.  
• Put his hand in Zoe's urine stream.  
• etc. etc. etc. 

And that was just this week.

I am tired of it.  I am tired of yelling.  I am tired of the constant battles.  Why can't he just be like his brother and sisters?  

BOOM ... it hit me ... like a line in a story that is bold, italicized and highlighted.

He is a strong-willed, "middle child".  Zach is the oldest with built in attention grabbers.  He does and has done everything first.  He is also home-schooled and participates in football, basketball, plays, etc.  Zoe is the first girl.  She is doing things and acting in ways that Zach never did, so of course it catches out attention.  Meanwhile, Zane is there.  He wants to be just like his big brother.  His best friend is his "big" sister.  He wants attention, but can't seem to get it through positive means, because his parents have been there, seen that.  So he acts out because he has found that it works. Attention is attention in Zane's world.

We recently had Zadie dedicated.  We subscribe to the belief that a child needs to be of an age to be able to make their own decision about Christianity and Baptism.  Because of this we do a dedication, where we as parents commit to raising our children to know Jesus, instead of an infant baptism.  We had the pastor pray that we would recognize and encourage them in their God given gifts.  But as we prayed for Zadie, I was missing that very thing in Zane.  I don't know what HE likes.  He loves to play with Zach's toys. He and Zoe play with her toys.  But when trying to come up with his interests, I draw a blank.

So I asked him, "Zane, what do you like?"  "Race cars", was his response.  OK, race cars.  But what else?

After just a day of really trying to focus on Zane, here is what I observed:  He loves drums and pianos.  He chased ducks from one side of the pond to another for about a half hour.  He idolizes his older brother.  He has a great smile.  He gives the best hugs.  And if we are willing to show some patience, he is rather agreeable.

Can't wait to see what I can learn from him tomorrow.

The most important thing that I have noticed is that he is different from his siblings.  He is his own person.  Kids are not going to fit into my preconceived mold.  Teach, no, demand from them, the important things, love, respect, compassion (because these are the hills you should die on); take the rest in stride and try to help them achieve their dreams.

A Watched Pot

"A watched pot never boils."  Science has pretty much kicked this theory in the teeth.  A heat source (capable of reaching 212 degrees Fahrenheit, or for our Canadian friends, 100 degrees Celsius), a heat conducting pot/bowl, some water and you will eventually achieve boiling.  I know, too literal, but I do have a point to reach, so please bare with me.

Have you ever been away from someone for a while?  I'm talking 6 months, a year or longer.  Signs of aging are more prevalent when there is a time lapse.  The human body is constantly changing (for the good or bad).  The changes I am talking about are the ones that happen gradually to all of us.  Weight gain or loss.  Hair is grown, cut, colored or lost.  Faces and physiques can change. If you see the person everyday, these changes may not stand out, but it is the gap in encounters that make them stand out.

Now lets look at the same process, but focus it to the little incubators that are our Children.  Zach is 7 years and 2 months old.  He is about 53 inches tall.  Adding his time after birth and his time in the womb, he has been growing for about 96 months.  He has grown more than a half an inch a month since he was conceived.  Based on this growth rate, he will be 9 feet tall at around his 14th birthday.  Does anyone know a good big and tall shop?

The rapid rate at which children develop has really struck me over the last few weeks.  It started with a a stomach bug.  Sleeping patterns have been erratic.  I have just been tired and a little "checked-out".  Just a few weeks ... and with just that little bit of time elapsing, I notice a wonderland of development that has gone on around me from the children.

Zadie is now rolling over.  She rolls to her stomach and starts trying to pull herself to whatever has caught her eye.  She is developing her personality ... and she is a smiler.  She is already 5 months old.  Soon ... crawling, talking, walking ... don't blink.

Zoe and Zane's speech has exploded.  Five, Six, Seven word sentences.  They make jokes, they bargain, they argue ... they're hilarious.  Soon ... alphabet, counting, reading, math, school ... don't miss it.

Zach had a standardized test the other day.  He tested well.  Really well in some areas.  He impressed the test facilitator.  Soon ... enrichment programs, advanced placement, college credit ... don't lose focus.

Just as a pot of water will boil ... our children will grow up, whether we are watching or not.

The Z's favorite lunch is macaroni and cheese.  I wouldn't have a guess for the number of times that I have started to boil water, got distracted, got busy, and came back to find the water boiling out of control.

Children are going to grow up ... watch ... engage ... nothing is more important.

Ends of the Spectrum

Once again, we found ourselves at Target ... me and the Z's.  The inside experience was relatively uneventful.  (Except of course the obligatory, "you have your hands full" comments, see http://imasahd.blogspot.com/2010/02/human-race-has-lost-ability-to.html)

It was the parking lot experience that left me dejected and encouraged by the hearts of strangers.

To set the scene a bit, Zane had pooped (because that is what Zane does at Target) and Zadie was crying (probably because we all enjoyed lunch, while having nothing for her).  We were approaching the car when I noticed an SUV next to us backing in and out of their spot, I assume trying to get centered.  To my amazement, with the gaze of me and my four children upon her, the driver gave up trying to get it right.  Her passenger took a look out her window, saw how close she was parked to our car.  She then glanced at me, then quickly down and decided to climb over to the driver side to get out. 

OK (deep breath), van doors slide open, we will make it work.  Anyway, there is no car on the passenger side, it'll be fine.

Zoe, Zane and Zach got in the car (not buckled, just in), I put the bags in, then Zadie and headed to put the cart away.  As I got to the cart at the front of the car, I see our blue and white playground ball, that for some reason made its way into the car, rolling down the parking lot.  I immediately took off after it, catching up to it about 50 yards behind the car.  How did it get so far away you ask?  Well we had quite a bit of wind today and that can really play havoc on a light, little play ball.  You know what else wind can play havoc with?  Shopping Carts.  As I turned with the ball in hand, I see my shopping cart making its way down the sidewalk, right along the front of a row of cars.  All I could think of was ... Hit the SUV, Hit the SUV, Hit the SUV.  Really, I started my second sprint in the last 30 seconds, this one trying to stop a run away shopping cart from doing damage to something or someone.  But before I could even get close to it a teenage boy came running down the sidewalk, stopping the cart before it could hit anything.

This struck a cord with me, because so many people would have just watch to see what calamity may be caused by a runaway shopping cart.  But this boy, with his family walking behind him, sprinted to stop it and was heading to put it back with the rest of the carts by the time i could get to them.  There may just be hope out there yet.

Alright, catch my breath, change Zane's diaper, hopefully squeeze into my door and then go pick up Julie.

Now, do you ever have the feeling that you are being watched?  I had just started changing the diaper on the Passenger side front seat when I got that feeling.  I glanced over to the left and saw a lady sitting in a car, waiting at the mouth of the parking spot next to me.  Even to a casual observer, it is pretty obvious what I am doing (wipes flying and naked 2 year old legs hanging out of the car door).  But, she waits.  I finish wiping and apply the new diaper.  She waits.  I put his pants pack on and forgo putting shoes back on; why, because ... She waits.  I open Zane's door, set him in and buckle.  She waits.  I "finally" close both doors and make my way around the car.  She glares.  I glare back.  Then I gazed around at the multiple parking spots within 20 feet of hers and I just shook my head.  She could have already been inside, shopping for that replacement stick to go up her butt.

But I digress...

I carefully opened my door, so not to hit the car next to me (because that is how nice of a guy I am).  I squeezed in, without damage, but with two kids crying (Zadie and now Zoe for who knows what reason), grinding on my nerves and the fresh wounds from two inconsiderate bi*****, I felt the overwhelming urge to open my door with considerable force a few times, but then I saw it.  The door to the SUV had at least a half a dozen small dents and nicks along the door.  It wasn't personal, she does it to everyone, she just can't park.  Phew, I feel a little better. 

My thoughts turned to the teenager, sprinting to stop my cart, undoubtedly coached or trained to do so by his trailing parents.  In this 5 minutes of exchanges I felt like yelling, cursing, screaming and even causing destruction, but what would that have taught my children.  Nobody was out to get me.  There was nothing personal, just some minor inconveniences.  I want my children to react, when faced with impulsive situations to act more like the teenager rather than the lunatic raging inside of their father (at least I kept it inside).

But then again, it all can provide for some good comedy when it happens to someone else ... Take a look:

12:38 am

It is Friday, March 19th at 12:38 am and I am awake, watching the end of the Maryland game.  About 10 minutes ago Julie came down to get some water and informed me that Zach was upstairs, in the bathroom, throwing up.

Now I can imagine, for someone reading this that has no kids, or is not involved with bodily fluid cleanup on a regular basis, this may seem a little gross.

As I came up the stairs Julie was handing Zach the water and I had one burning question on my mind, "Where".  Where had he thrown up?  What was I looking at here?

"Zach, did you make it to the bathroom?"  (Please say yes, Please say yes, Please say yes)

"Not the first time." (Rats)

I went in and took a quick look and saw a few drops on the bunk bed ladder and a couple on the floor, not too bad.  But wait ... there's more.  Zach's first installment of the night landed square in the middle of his bed. 

So now, it is 12:38 and I am up for at least another hour to switch the laundry.  Poor Zach, but who's next...

It's Sunday.  Went to southern Virginia to meet someone to sell them a piece of equipment for the sign shop.  Since it is Sunday and Julie is working, I took Zach, Zoe and Zane with me.  We made it back to within an hour and a half of Charlotte and the stomach bug claimed it's second victim ... Zane.  We were at the Starbucks drive through and something urged me to turn and look at Zane.  Silently, calmly and with little emotion, Zane was throwing up.

No spare clothes, no way to clean his seat and an older brother who gags at the sight of Zadie's spit-up. (Just a note to anyone who may have this happen to them.  It saves a lot of clean-up to remove the seat with the child still buckled).  So I stripped him down, cleaned him up and stuck him back in the car.  Here is what the rest of the ride looked like for Zane...



The bug bit Zoe that night, Julie and I on Monday. 

It is now Sunday, March 28th at 11:24pm.  It was a rough week with everyone starting off sick.  I am finally finishing the blog post I started over a week ago.  I have missed writing, but the good thing about kids... I may have stopped writing, but they have not stopped providing me with material.  I am looking forward to the next few days of posts.

What the ...

So Zoe came in from outside today holding out her finger, saying "dirty".  The kids were outside playing in the yard, so I figured, mud, dirt or something of the like.  Zoe is a bit of a drama queen when it comes to getting dirty.  But, as I looked a little closer, I quickly realized, "that's not mud ... that's poop".  One hand holding a lolly-pop, the other with a poop-finger.

"Zoe, did you poop?"

"No, Zaney."

So it wasn't even her poop.

So I now had a few decisions to make.  I was holding Zadie who was being a little fussy, ready to take a nap ... where do I put her down to minimize screaming?  How do I keep Zoe from touching anything while I get something to clean her up ... did I just see her switch lolly-pop hands?  Am I really sure about this stay at home dad thing?

Zadie ended up on the floor ... screaming was not avoided.  The baby wipes were closest, so I wiped the finger, gave her a couple of splashes of sanitizer.  And I guess I will remain a stay at home dad a little while longer.

I was, however, left with a few questions (that all really come to one central theme).  WHAT ... what the hell was she thinking?  WHY ... why on earth would she stick her finger in his diaper?  WHERE ... where have Julie and I gone wrong that we have a daughter that has someone elses poop on her finger?

Well, I guess, kids will be kids.  I shouldn't be surprised.  Her brother Zach once took his diaper off and rubbed it all over my parents dog Bear.  Her brother Zane enjoys sticking his head in the toilet.  I just the other day reached to grab Zane to keep him from climbing where he wasn't supposed to and ended up with a little surprise on my finger.  So I guess she comes by it honestly. 

Can't Pass up Free

If dinner is not on the table by 5:30 in our house a couple of things happen ... tempers flare, children whine, decisions become harder, judgment is clouded, chaos ensues ... That brings us to Wednesday.

We didn't arrive home from picking Julie up from work until a couple minutes after 5.  On the meal plan for Wednesday was spaghetti.  Simple enough, but with thawing the sausage, heating the sauce, boiling the noodles, we were looking at dinner around 6.  To complicate the matter, a discussion was intensifying on whether we should take advantage of a coupon Julie had received via email.  Turns out, on Wednesday only, Panda Express was giving away servings of a new shrimp meal and this had caught Julie's eye.  While her mouth said, "Yes, lets just have Spaghetti", I could tell her heart was telling her, "Get the free shrimp".  I am a people pleaser, especially when it comes to Julie.  So, against my better judgment, we all got into the car and headed off to Panda Express ... at right about 5:30.

The ride over was smooth and uneventful.  In the drive-thru we (well Julie) ordered 2 large fried rices and 6 shrimp meals.  I mentioned Julie ordered because for some reason, buried deep in my subconscious I have developed a phobia about looking like a mooch.  Ordering 6 free meals, including one for a baby, still in a carrier, was just too much for me.

I remember watching a show about one of these families that has like 12 kids.  On Saturday they took the whole family to Sam's Club to do their shopping.  They planned that the whole family would eat lunch from the sample carts.  I remember that giving me the heebie-jeebies.  My deal, I know, I'm working on it.

So we escaped Panda Express spending $6 for the rice.  The kids were starting to rumble a little, so we headed for home.  There was, however, one roadblock in our way.  CUPCAKE BAR.  Next to Panda Express is a local bakery called Nona's Sweets.  They have a concoction that some genius came up with in the form of an on the spot, customized to you cupcake bar.  You tell them what flavor cupcake (choice of 3 or 4) and what flavor icing (choice of about 20) and they make it right there in front of you.

Julie spotted it first with a "MMM, Cupcake Bar."  I had already driven past the shop, but something in my head was screaming, "REVERSE".  So that was what I did, right into Nona's reserved parking spaces.

Julie hopped out and it began.  A chant of "cupcake" came from Zoe and Zach.  Zane had a different Chant of course, "ME GO, ME GO, ME GO."  Zadie even got in on the action, screaming because of a blow-out poop (and me with no diaper bag).

Meanwhile, looking through the glass window front, I am realizing another problem with this plan.  It is now nearly 6 o'clock, Julie is hungry and now has to decide between the possible 27,405 cupcake to frosting combination's.  We could be here a while.  After being in there for a few minutes, she came out concerned that the price was too high, but I thought that the price I had already paid for sitting in the car with our crazy children offset whatever Nona could charge.  Don't let the agony I have felt be in vain, "Bring me a cupcake."

Cream Cheese frosting, Chocolate cupcake ... Score!

With Julie back in the car, we headed for home.  " Should I go back and get Zadie?"  "Nothing you can do, we had a blow-out and we have no spare."

Besides this time of day being dicey when it comes to meals, it is also happens to be rush hour.  And with one of the major outlet roads near our neighborhood being closed it makes rush hour just oh so much more special.

A quick aside ... one of the worries of having the number of children outnumber the number of parents is the conspiracy factor.  If the children mobilize against us and cooperate to overthrow our little regime, could we stop them.  I see this as being the subject of many sleepless nights for me in the future.

We caught a glimpse of this cooperation on the drive home.  We were sitting in a seemingly endless line to make a left heading toward our neighborhood.  A chant began.  Actually not so much a chant, but what resembled to me a Native American war chant of some sort.  Have a listen...

So, it was now about 6:15, and we finally made it home.  My nerves were a little shot.  Our free shrimp dinner cost us about $20.  But, Julie and I learned another valuable lesson as it pertains to the children and I got a story to write about.

The shrimp was good.  The cupcake was fantastic.  There was some drama, some tears, some screams, some laughs and we were together, and that made it a pretty good day.

So I made a list...

So, I made a list ...

Own a business.  Have a child.  Out of debt.  Own a dog.  Own a home. 

So, I had a list ... but I had no plan.

I was 21.  The fun was over.  Time to decide ... What do I want to be when I grow up?  I had a degree in Business ... but no job (and nothing on the horizon.)

I had a list ... but absolutely no idea how to go about accomplishing anything on it.

In a time in my life when all seemed gray and hazy, one thing was clear ... whatever was to come, be it greatness or failure, pleasant or somber, simple or foreboding ... I needed Julie by my side, in my corner, cheering me on, each step of the way.   

I have a hard time putting into words exactly what makes Julie unique to me.  I think the answer lies in our differences.  Julie loves to be with people, to talk to them and hear their stories.  I tend to hide in the crowd.  She listens and reacts to people with true empathy. That is something that has always escaped me.  She makes an impression and leaves a mark with many that she meets.  I can typically fade off without a trace.  Being a person who tends to be very private and introverted, I am left in awe at how Julie can draw people close to her and really make an impact on them.

It is a cliche, I know, but it is so true that opposites attract.  I think that it can be a real uniting relationship when two people, who are seemingly so different, use those differences to become "whole".  "AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh." (Mark 10:8)

Julie and I hold common values; respect, caring, compassion.  I think you need to have core values in common with someone to use as a base when trying to navigate through your differences.  Now, not to mislead you, it has not been all candy canes and lolly pops.  We have had to work really hard to keep things moving in the right direction over the years.  We have maneuvered past college (where we dated for 3 years), the loss of a parent, the birth of a child at a relatively early age, crazy work schedules, moving to a new and unfamiliar city, opening a business, twins, closing a business.  But through all of that I think we are as strong a couple as ever.

Our pastor put it best when speaking about his marriage, that no matter what happens (with certain and obvious exceptions), or how bad things might be right now, you can't have an exit sign hanging over your marriage.  If you love and respect each other, and you were sincere when you spoke 'till death do part, then you should be able to handle just about anything.  I think that it helps our marriage to have this mentality.  We know we are here for the long haul.

So what else can I say?

I love my wife.  I love how she laughs.  I love how beautiful she is.  She is a wonderful mother.  She is my best friend and I can't begin to describe what that means to me.

It continues to amaze me, no matter how I mess up (and believe me, I know how to screw up), she continues to show me love and grace.  She continues to me my greatest fan and number one cheerleader. 

So, I had a list ...

I am 31.  Time to decide ... What do I want to be when I grow up?  I have a degree in Business ... but no job.


So, I had a list ... it might be time to make a new one.

The list will change this time around, but one thing will not ... I still need Julie by my side, in my corner, cheering me on each step of the way.